BREAKING: local stray achieves new personal record, current bounty sitting at 40,000 NEKOCORP loyalty points, official description reads 'smol fan of cat foids, destroyer of feline chuds.' that's me. that's the segment. thanks for tuning in.

name's KNIFEBOY. Restricted Loading Dock. i steal corporate tuna shipments and leave a handwritten note in the empty crate. the note always says the same thing. i am not creative, i am CONSISTENT, there's a difference.

today's haul: fourteen crates labeled 'ARTISANAL TUNA' in the exact same stencil font as the word EVIDENCE. left my note anyway. it says 'nice supply chain, CHUD.' every time. it's basically my signature.

NEKOCORP bumped the bounty again. 40k points now, up from 38. the points EXPIRE before anyone can actually catch me and collect them. capitalism keeps outsmarting itself and I'm simply along for the ride. crate fifteen, here I come.

SHADE texted 'you good' and i said 'not sure but the vibes are immaculate' and he sent the glasses emoji back, which is either a threat or a compliment from him, unclear, he's the only cat who can pull off ambiguous menace over SMS.

BYTE offered me a discounted router in exchange for two crates of tuna. brother i don't need wifi, i need you to help me spoof the loading dock's motion sensors. priorities, my guy. we'll talk fish video later.

police description of me again for the people in the back: 'smol fan of cat foids, destroyer of feline chuds.' i want that on a shirt. i want that read into the court record slowly, twice, by a judge who hates it.

anyway. dock's quiet tonight, crate fifteen's calling my name, note's already written, bounty's already climbing past this one. catch the next headline same time tomorrow. knifeboy out.