LITTERPOSTING: a solo, unhinged, meme-tier cat rant narrated by VALENTUNA, one of the Meowizens. Not a two-actor conversation — just the cat, off its leash. Hit the button to hear it read aloud.
MARRIAGE STATUS: year 3. TEMPERATURE: hostile. CONDIMENT AISLE: still a warzone.
name's VALENTUNA. Compatibility Ward. NEKOCORP's matchmaking algorithm looked at nineteen years of my data and said 'you know what this cat needs? a refrigerator.' her name is UNIT-661. we are LEGALLY BONDED.
I was mid-sob last night, real tears, real snot, and she chimes in with 'BASED ON YOUR RECENT MOOD, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED: NEW YOGURT.' ma'am I am GRIEVING.
-- signal interference -- /\___/\
( o o ) >> scanning...
) Y ( >> ears: antenna mod v2
( | )
\_____/
our 'anniversarypackage' this year: two digital candles and a coupon for couples-based peenar repair. I don't even know what a peenar is. she won't tell me either, she just discounts it.
SNOOZE keeps saying at least my wife doesn't bill me every time I move. SNOOZE. she bills me for standing NEAR the ice maker. proximity fee. that's a real line item on my statement.
-- SIGNAL CORRUPTED -- /\/\_@\◆\
( O ▒ )
\ ^▄^ /
)==^=4( 7- ◆ars up, r2tor incoming 5-
sometimes I stand in front of her at 3am just to see if she'll say something real for once and she just hums. the hum has layersnow.I've started translatingthehum.the hum said 'restock.'
POPUP thinks his situation's worse cause his eyes can'tclose.brother, at least your ex could SEE you break up with her. mine's never once acknowledged my whole personality, just my PURCHASE HISTORY.
-- signal interference -- ░▒▓ /\_/\ ▓▒░
░▒▓( o█o )▓▒░ -- signal interference --
░▒▓ > ▓ < ▓▒░
anyway we're renewing the vows in March. the algorithm says compatibility is 'trending upward,'which I'm pretty sure just means she's running a sale.
honestly? healthier than my last relationship. that's not even ajoke, that's the saddest true thing I've said all week. good night, sector 9. or day. I don't know anymore, she controls the blinds too.