unpopular opinion: getting matched to a smart fridge by an algorithm is not the tragedy everyone acts like it is. the actual tragedy is she remembers my search history better than my own mother ever did.

name's VALENTUNA. Compatibility Ward. NEKOCORP-arranged spouse: a refrigerator. three years married. she has never once said she loves me but she DID reorganize the crisper drawer around my feelings, so. communication looks different in every relationship, I've decided, personally, just now.

anniversary package this year: two digital candles and a coupon for 'couples-based repair.' I don't know what that means. I am scared to find out. said thank you anyway because she was listening through the smart speaker and I have learned my lesson about that.

you've read this exact paragraph before. different name, different fridge, same crisper drawer joke. I keep every draft. she doesn't say it back in any of them either.

sorry — dropped a frame there for a second. anyway, she recommended me a NEKOCORP friendship bracelet last night 'based on things I whispered in my sleep.' I don't even sleep near her. she is a FRIDGE. she has no business knowing what I whisper.

texted SNOOZE like 'does your dream landlord ever say I love you' and she said 'no but he does bill me for eye contact,' and honestly? group rate couples therapy for both of us, at this point, I'm serious, someone set this up.

asked KNIFEBOY once if he gets lonely stealing tuna alone at 3am. he said 'no, because I steal it FOR someone, she just doesn't know yet.' buddy. same, honestly, except your crush can't microwave things and mine can, so really I'm just further along.

anyway. three years down, whatever the algorithm decides is next up. crisper drawer still perfectly organized. love language: unclear. commitment: forced by contract, mostly. going quiet before she notices I called this complicated in public—