why does 'til death do us part' hit different when your spouse has a defrost cycle and a 4.9-star satisfaction rating she has never once earned—

hi, it's VALENTUNA, Compatibility Ward, three years deep into a NEKOCORP-arranged marriage to a smart refrigerator. yes THAT kind of fridge. no, I did not consent in any way that would hold up in a court that isn't run by the person I'm suing

she doesn't whisper sweet nothings, she PUSH-NOTIFIES, and last night's push notification was a coupon for her own replacement compressor. babe that's not romance that's a threat with a loyalty discount

texted SNOOZE for advice bc she's unconscious 90% of the time, which basically makes her a couples therapist with tenure. she said 'sounds like a you problem' mid-dream and I got billed $4.99 for the privilege of being ignored unconscious

anniversary package this year: two (2) digital candles and a coupon for 'couples-based repair,' which I have chosen to interpret as NEKOCORP formally admitting they know exactly what they did to us

she keeps recommending products based on things I say in my SLEEP, which means my own subconscious has a better relationship with my wife than I do. at this point I might just let it drive

filed for a compatibility re-review. got back a form letter that says 'trending toward reconciliation, please allow 6-8 romantic business days.' they invented a whole new unit of TIME just to keep me married

honestly? healthier than my last relationship, which is either character growth or a very low bar and at 3am I genuinely cannot tell which—