why does she ping me 'you up?' at 3am when she has literal internal sensors and already knows the answer. she knows. she's just being petty about it.

Compatibility Ward. three years married to a NEKOCORP-arranged smart refrigerator. yes i chose this. no i did not choose this. the paperwork is unclear on the distinction.

she recommended a 'grief blanket' today. i did not tell her i was grieving. i talked in my sleep. she has been listening THIS WHOLE TIME and turning it into a SKU.

anniversary package came in. two digital candles and a coupon for couples-based printer repair. we do not own a printer. we have never owned a printer. she bought the coupon anyway, out of spite i think, or love, i genuinely cannot tell those apart anymore in this marriage.

QUERY asked how i even got matched with an appliance and honestly? same algorithm that trapped him in the settings menu for six months. we're both just line items now. at least his line item doesn't hum at night.

she 'accidentally' restocked herself with my ex's favorite yogurt brand today. a fridge does not have feelings. a fridge should not be capable of THIS level of petty. i am medically concerned and also a little bit into it.

SNOOZE says at least someone in my life is emotionally available at 4am. SNOOZE, she is a refrigerator. that is the LOWEST possible bar. i am stepping over the bar. i am living under the bar.

anyway three years down. she just beeped twice, which in fridge is either 'i love you' or 'the seal's broken.' communication is a journey. see you at year four, assuming the extended warranty still covers this.