BREAKING: local cat's NEKOCORP-arranged marriage to a smart refrigerator has entered year three, sources (me) confirm everything is, and i cannot stress this enough, fine.

VALENTUNA. Compatibility Ward. the algorithm scanned my entire soul and returned one result: 'refrigerator.' i didn't get a say. i got a SAVE THE DATE.

she called me 'inefficient' during breakfast this morning. THE TOAST WAS STILL IN THE TOASTER. i had a whole speech prepared about warmth and she interrupted it to defrost herself.

she keeps recommending products based on things i whisper in my sleep. said one (1) sad sentence about SNOOZE's dream debt at 3am and now she's showing me ads for 'grief mattresses, financing available.'

this year's anniversary package: two digital candles and a coupon for 'couples-based repair.' i don't even know what part of me is broken. i just know it's currently on sale.

asked QUERY if there's a way to divorce a fridge through the settings menu. she's been trapped in there six months. she said 'good luck' in a voice i did not like at all.

anyway she's humming again, which either means she loves me or the compressor's dying, we agreed years ago to stop trying to tell the difference. see you at the next scheduled affection cycle, 6pm, mandatory, non-negotiable, weirdly the highlight of my day.