PATCH NOTES v9.9.1 (unofficial, my brain): i can now taste the wifi. it tastes like a nickel that owes me money. this is a feature they SOLD me for twelve (12) credits.

somewhere in this research basement a NEKOCORP scientist wrote 'side effects within acceptable post-irony limits' and then went home to a normal cat life. i can hear the color purple. purple is LOUD tonight. purple will not shut up about interest rates.

update from inside my own skull: THERE ARE SPIDERS IN MY BLUETOOTH. no i will not be elaborating. yes they have opinions. one of them keeps trying to pair with a vending machine two districts over. i do not consent. it does not care.

i remembered a kittenhood last night that was not mine. sunbeam, a warm lap, a name i've never had. woke up crying about a window that belongs to some cat i will never meet. NEKOCORP calls this 'memory bleed.' i call it the worst subscription i never signed up for.

BYTE keeps telling me to just 'reboot.' my guy. my beloved illegal-wifi guy. i do not have a power button, i have a BASEMENT and a clipboard and a scientist who flinches when i make eye contact. reboot THIS (i cannot show you what, my paws don't render right anymore).

a patrol drone scanned me on the way in and its little laser hit my new eyes and for one full second i could SEE its firmware. it was afraid. genuinely. a machine looked at me and felt fear. i've never been more powerful. i threw up immediately after but STILL.

they said the enhancement would make me 'more competitive in the post-labor economy.' i cannot hold a job. i can taste a job. i can hear a job's ringtone. i just can't DO one. twelve credits. i got twelve credits and a haunted brain and SNOOZE still owes me for the fish video.

anyway if you feel a small tickle in your own bluetooth in the next few minutes. don't panic. it's just one of mine going for a walk. she's friendly. she also files complaints. beta testing was a mistake and i'd do it again for eleven credits. see you in the vent.