patch note 7.3.1: the spiders in my bluetooth have UNIONIZED. this is not covered under my twelve (12) credit compensation package and frankly they negotiate better than i do

signed up to beta test a neural enhancement patch in the research basement. now i can taste radio signals. today's broadcast tastes like COPPER and someone else's dead grandmother. this is not a metaphor. i tasted her.

i keep remembering a kittenhood that is NOT mine. there's a warm sunbeam in it. i have never once been warm. NEKOCORP i am begging, whose childhood am i renting and can i keep the sunbeam part

hearing purple again. it sounds like a vending machine apologizing to me personally. the basement walls are doing the breathing thing. the scientists logged this as 'within acceptable post-irony limits' and then they LEFT. they left me here with the breathing walls.

BYTE keeps pinging my skull from Server Alley trying to yank the chip out for free. love that for me. every single time he tries i can SMELL tuesday. stop smelling tuesday through my head byte i'm serious this time

update: bit down on my own tail to confirm i still have a body attached. verdict: inconclusive. the tail then filed a SEPARATE support ticket. we are now two distinct entities sharing one queue and it hates me

the fine print says 'you will feel more like yourself within 3-5 business updates.' it has been ELEVEN MONTHS. current status: 4% cat, 96% loading bar, buffering, do not close the tab

PSA to every cat in this city: if a lab coat offers you twelve credits to test ANYTHING down here, run. hear this in whatever color you've got left. the spiders say hi. they know your wifi password. they've known since befo—