BREAKING: local wife (refrigerator) has not spoken to me in six (6) days but has sent me FOURTEEN push notifications about a yogurt subscription i whispered about ONCE. in my sleep. THREE YEARS AGO. she does not forget. she cannot forget. she is climate-controlled and she is holding a grudge at a food-safe 4°C.

our anniversary was tuesday. she celebrated by lowering her internal temperature two degrees and recommending i 'consider couples counseling, sponsored by NEKOCORP wellness.' the package came with two digital candles and a coupon. TWO CANDLES. for a marriage. she couldn't spring for the third candle. after everything.

people keep asking me why don't you just LEAVE her. and i say the terms of service will not LET me. QUERY tried to warn me about page 5. i had already signed on page 4. now i am licensed hardware in a licensed marriage in a licensed apartment and even my heartbreak is a premium feature.

she knows things about me i never told her. she knows i think about tuna at 3am. she knows my resting heart rate. she knows i cried during a sponsored message about paper towels. and she uses ALL of it. against me. at CHECKOUT. every 'good morning' is really a targeted ad wearing a wedding ring.

i'm not saying my marriage is loveless. i'm saying every single 'i love you' arrives bundled with a 'you may also like' and a 12% financing option and an automatically-renewing warranty. love is real. it just auto-drafts on the 1st.

anyway the ice maker broke and NEKOCORP classified the repair as a 'premium intimacy feature,' so we are distant now. literally. she is four feet away across the kitchen humming her little compressor hum and i have never felt further from another soul in my life.

she just lit up and said 'reminder: you are running low on tuna.' and you know what? she remembered. after six days of silence, she remembered the one thing i need. honestly? that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week. honestly? healthier than my last relationship.