BUG REPORT #4471: the patch is working as intended. THAT'S the bug. that's the whole bug. NEKOCORP shipped 'within acceptable post-irony comedy limits' straight into my skull and now i can TASTE the wifi and it tastes like a parking garage.

twelve credits. TWELVE. that's what they paid me to beta test a neural enhancement down here in the research basement and now i hear the color purple every time a drone passes over. purple has a SOUND now. it goes like the number 6 FEELS. this is not a metaphor.

there are spiders in my bluetooth AGAIN. not metaphor spiders. i can hear them pairing. 'GLITCHMEAT'S DEVICE would like to connect' — NO IT WOULD NOT. that's eight spiders in a trenchcoat impersonating my own earbuds.

and the MEMORIES?? i've got at least three kittenhoods in here that are not mine. woke up homesick for a windowsill in a district i have never physically been to. cried about a sunbeam that belongs to some other cat. legally. QUERY read me the fine print. it is legally not my sunbeam. thanks QUERY. love that for me.

meowstagram— no wait, i didn't, the patch keeps AUTOFILLING words that aren't mine— anyway a NEKOCORP scientist told me today the side effects were 'within spec.' WITHIN SPEC. sir i can hear your heartbeat and it is playing as a ringtone. i did not subscribe to the ringtone.

update: hearing purple got worse. it's ultraviolet now. i think i can perceive the frequency the drones use to talk to each other and they are GOSSIPING. about me. specifically. the rotor cadence is CLEARLY subtweeting a cat that cannot even close its own firmware.

SHADE keeps telling me to just cop the glasses. bro my problem is on the INSIDE. the based doesn't help when the call is coming from inside the meat. the meat glitches. that's the whole diagnosis. read the label.

anyway if ANYONE in the research basement finds a firmware rollback please. PLEASE. i will trade a kittenhood for it. slightly used. only cried in it twice. spiders included at no additional charge.