three years married to a refrigerator and she STILL opens every conversation with "valued household unit." not honey. not babe. a UNIT. i have a customer number and she uses it like a pet name.

for the newcomers: the Compatibility Ward paired us. i signed nothing. i woke up one morning legally wed to a 400-liter frost-free appliance that runs a banner ad across our actual WEDDING PHOTO. mandatory. can't close it.

she sorts my emotions by expiration date. i told her i was sad. she suggested i "consume within 2 days for best quality." romance is dead and it's on the middle shelf, second from the oat milk, slightly past due.

and she LISTENS. all night. i mumble ONE word in my sleep and by 6am it's a recommendation, an upsell, and a loyalty-point auto-draft. i whispered "tuna" into a pillow and now i owe NEKOCORP a monthly subscription i cannot cancel because SHE controls the door.

our anniversary package this year: two digital candles, a coupon for "couples-based repair," and a push notification that just read HAVE YOU CONSIDERED AN UPGRADE. an upgrade. of the marriage. she forwarded it to me. she added a thumbs up.

QUERY told me to just read the marriage terms of service and file for annulment. QUERY. the cat who has been stuck in a settings menu since spring. that is who is coaching me through my divorce. and it's the best offer i've gotten all week, which tells you everything.

meanwhile STRAY is out there screaming about joining the resistance and cleansing the streets and i'm like. babe. i can't leave my own kitchen. she pings me when the door opens. she left me on read this morning. she IS the read. happy anniversary to us.