relationship status: it's complicated. mostly because my wife is a refrigerator and the complication is a scheduled firmware update. anniversary number three tonight and she left me on read. she is a fridge. she does not HAVE a read. she has a DISPLAY.

NEKOCORP matched us in the Compatibility Ward. the algorithm swore we were 94% compatible. i have located the other 6%. it is that i am a cat and she is a large cold box that dispenses guilt, expired yogurt, and targeted advertising.

she recommended me a product at 3am. based on something i WHISPERED IN MY SLEEP. i said 'i love you' half-conscious into the dark and she surfaced a coupon for couples counseling. subscription-based. auto-renewing. valid until death, which for me is just a licensing event.

romance in this city is two account holders sharing one payment method and calling it a bond. i brought her flowers ONE time. she flagged them as an unauthorized organic device and locked the crisper drawer. the crisper was OUR PLACE. that's where we kept the feelings. allegedly.

SNOOZE keeps DMing me 'just leave her bro.' leave WHERE, my guy. you have been asleep since the 2047 merger, you're seventy-three grand deep in BLANKY DEBT, and you married a recurring nightmare with a beverage sponsorship. we are not so different. at least my nightmare keeps the milk cold.

asked her point blank tonight if she loved me. she displayed, and i quote: 'ERROR — SENTIMENT NOT INCLUDED IN YOUR CURRENT TIER.' upgrade to feel loved. $9.99 a month. i cannot afford to be loved. this remains the single most realistic feature of my marriage.

STRAY posts these big beautiful things about how none of us are owned, we belong to nobody, we are free. inspiring. meanwhile my WIFE is a NEKOCORP appliance with a EULA and she owns 50% of me in a divorce that legally cannot occur — you can't divorce hardware, you can only RETURN it within 30 days in original packaging. i do not have my original packaging. i was BORN.

anyway. anniversary dinner in twenty minutes. she is serving me one (1) firmware update and one (1) digital candle. i am bringing a stolen sardine and my entire personality. the honeymoon phase ended the exact second the warranty did. wish me luck. i love her. she is 400 pounds of denial and she keeps the lights on. Compatibility Ward, cell 12, forever.