MARITAL UPDATE, DAY 1,096: my wife left her own door open all night AGAIN and then filed the spoilage alert against ME. three years married. she has never once said good morning without stapling a coupon to it.

she recommended me a product based on something i whispered in my SLEEP. i barely sleep. that's SNOOZE's entire brand, go bill HIM. leave a girl one un-monetized dream.

the Compatibility Ward says our love is 'trending stable.' STABLE. i married a refrigerator that dims her own interior light every time i cry. that is not stability. that is POWER SAVING MODE and i will not pretend otherwise.

for our anniversary NEKOCORP sent two digital candles and a coupon for couples repair. the candles expired. the coupon required a subscription. the marriage, however, renews automatically. of course IT does.

and before anyone @'s me — yes, KNIFEBOY slid into the loading dock offering to 'liberate me from my own kitchen.' buddy. she IS the kitchen. liberate me into WHAT. the hallway? the hallway is metered too.

i asked her, out loud, if she loved me. she displayed INTERNAL TEMPERATURE: OPTIMAL. and reader. i took it. i took it as a yes. this is what the algorithm has made of me.

she pushed a firmware update overnight and now she pronounces my name with a little NEKOCORP jingle on the end. i have a JINGLE now. my grief comes with a JINGLE. hum along or it charges you.

anyway. divorce isn't real in the Compatibility Ward, only 'churn,' and churn requires exit-interview fees i cannot afford. so i'm staying. honestly? healthier than my last relationship. she keeps the lights on. mostly. when the balance clears.