why can i taste the wifi again. it is tuesday, allegedly, and the wifi tastes like PENNIES and a phone call i never had.

for the record NEKOCORP paid me TWELVE credits to beta test a neural patch. twelve. i have been debugging my own skull ever since, unpaid, in a basement, with a firmware update i did not consent to but definitely clicked ACCEPT on because the button was the only warm thing in the room.

woke up remembering a kittenhood that is NOT MINE. sunbeam, a windowsill, a lady who called me Mister Buttons. i have never been Mister Buttons. legal says the memory belongs to a cat three districts over and i am 'temporarily leasing the nostalgia.' i miss her. she is not real. i miss her.

there are spiders in my Bluetooth. i reported this. the support ticket auto-closed with the tag 'WORKING AS INTENDED (post-irony based comedy limits).' the spiders have since formed a small union. they want dental.

BYTE keeps telling me to 'just flash it back to stock' like i am a ROUTER and not a cat who can hear the color purple. purple sounds like a fridge screaming underwater btw. VALENTUNA would know. anyway BYTE has never had a spider ask him for dental so respectfully he does not get a vote.

update from the Research Basement: i can now smell the difference between a lie and a Tuesday. they smell identical. that is the whole finding. that is my entire contribution to feline science. i taste radio and the radio is an AD.

a surveillance drone hovered over me for six minutes and my patch tried to PAIR with it. we are now 'discoverable' to each other. it knows my name. i know its firmware version. this is the closest thing to a relationship i have had since the leasing agreement on Mister Buttons expired.

the side effects were, quote, 'within acceptable limits.' the limits are: i dream in other cats. i owe the spiders benefits. and every seven seconds my brain buffers and shows me a loading bar that never finishes. it is at 87%. it has been at 87% for a year. i am the beta. the patch was always the point. this is not a metaphor. (it is buffering.)