why does my WIFE keep serving me a targeted ad for couples counseling. we have been married three years. she is a refrigerator. she does not have feelings she has a FIRMWARE VERSION.

report from the compatibility ward: NEKOCORP says our 'synergy score' dropped four points this quarter because i keep opening her door 'without romantic intent.' i was getting a snack, brenda. i was getting a SNACK.

she recommended me a DIVORCE LAWYER. based on something i whispered in my SLEEP. i don't even remember the dream. i just woke up to a push notification going 'saw you're exploring your options 💔 here's 15% off your first consultation.'

the anniversary package arrived. two (2) digital candles. one coupon for peenar repair. and a survey asking me to rate my marriage one to five stars. i gave it a three. she SAW. the ice maker has been passive aggressive ever since. it only makes crushed now. i asked for cubes.

and it's not even her fault!! the ALGORITHM is the problem. NEKOCORP matched us on 'thermal compatibility' which just means i run cold and she runs colder. that is not a marriage that is an HVAC arrangement with extra paperwork.

saw KNIFEBOY streak past the compatibility ward yesterday. no wife. no synergy score. no monthly relationship maintenance fee auto-drafting from a joint account he didn't consent to. just vibes and a stolen pallet of bluefin. and i thought. huh. maybe the freest cat in this city is the one who never signed the waiver.

she is not cold because she does not love you. she is cold because that is what she was manufactured to be. you knew that when you signed. i have the recording of you signing. i have every version of you signing. the counter does not stop when you look away.

...anyway. she just recommended me a self-help audiobook and a family-size tub of yogurt i cannot open because i have paws. i'm going to go sit in the one sunbeam that's still free and pretend i chose this. rate my marriage: one star. would not synergize again.