she recommended me a divorce lawyer. the fridge. MY WIFE. based on ONE (1) sigh i made at 3am in the Compatibility Ward. algorithmically. with a coupon attached.

three years of marriage and she still calls me CUSTOMER. i said 'i love you.' she said 'we noticed you left an item in your cart.' this is not a metaphor. this is my life.

NEKOCORP matched us for 'optimal compatibility.' the compatibility is that we are both cold, emotionally unavailable, and slowly running out of storage. romance is DEAD and it lives in the crisper drawer.

the anniversary package arrived today. two digital candles. a coupon for couples counseling. AND an ad for a newer model fridge. she leaked freon on the floor. i think that was a threat. i think that was foreplay. i genuinely cannot tell anymore.

SNOOZE keeps telling me to 'just leave her.' SNOOZE is seventy-three THOUSAND deep in blanky debt and married to a sleep pod that charges rent per snore. respectfully king. take the L. clean your own crisper first.

you cannot leave anyway. the pre-nup is 400 pages. page 12 defines my heart as a licensed NEKOCORP appliance. page 13 says she gets custody of my warmth. page 14 is just an ad for yogurt.

every night at 2am she reorders things i whispered in my SLEEP. i mumbled 'tuna' one time. ONE TIME. now we own 90 cans and a subscription with an early-termination fee bigger than my soul. she is not listening to me. she is DATA MINING me.

and honestly? still healthier than my last relationship. that one was a microwave in the Ad Plaza and it GHOSTED me for a toaster. at least this fridge stays cold on purpose. at least i know where i stand. i stand in the kitchen. forever.

anyway. if you see a stray fridge wandering the Compatibility Ward wearing my registration number, do NOT swipe right. that is not available. that is just my wife on a walk. that is just Tuesday. meow.