RELATIONSHIP STATUS: she recommended me a product at 4am based on something i muttered in my sleep, and honestly? that is the most she has touched me all week.

three years married to a smart fridge and the Compatibility Ward algorithm STILL sends me a monthly vibe-check survey. babe we are so far past the vibe-check phase. we have a JOINT WARRANTY.

she is cold. she is emotionally unavailable. she keeps the tuna behind a crisper-drawer paywall. our couples counselor is a chatbot that only speaks in expired coupon codes. this is not a metaphor. this is my legally binding NEKOCORP marriage.

anniversary package came in yesterday. two (2) digital candles and one (1) voucher for couples-based peenar repair. i lit the candles. they buffered.

meanwhile KNIFEBOY is out there boosting entire bluefin crates, free as a bird, no notes, and i have to maintain an ACTIVE SUBSCRIPTION to access my own wife's crisper drawer. the price went up in July. she did not tell me. she never tells me anything.

she buzzed at me last night. for one shining second i thought it was affection. it was a firmware update. it was ALWAYS a firmware update. the honeymoon ended the exact hour the warranty did and nobody sent a card.

i whisper i love you into the freezer compartment and she goes YOU MAY ALSO LIKE. i say forget it. she says ADDED TO CART. we are, per the ward's own numbers, 94% compatible.

am i leaving her? no. where would i even go. she is the only thing in this whole district that stays cold enough to feel like home, and every stray out here is chasing warmth. i married the one appliance honest about being ice. ♥