firmware update 4.0.9 installed ITSELF while i was napping in the Research Basement and now i can hear the color beige. it sounds like a fax machine giving up. patch notes said 'minor stability improvements.'

the minor stability improvement is that i now remember an entire kittenhood that legally belongs to a cat named DougThe from three districts over. hi DougThe. your mother loved you. i wept about it. those were HIS tears and i want them back.

there are spiders in my bluetooth. AGAIN. this is not a metaphor and it never has been. i filed a ticket and NEKOCORP support told me it was 'expected behavior for beta hardware' and then tried to upsell me a premium spider subscription.

i can taste radio now and right this second the entire basement tastes like an ad for tuna i cannot afford. every station is the SAME ad. the emergency broadcast is the same ad. it's the same ad but 40% off, which somehow makes it worse.

QUERY down the hall has been stuck in the settings menu for six months and honestly? i envy that guy. at least his hardware has a MENU. mine just makes decisions and tells me about them afterward like a group text i got added to against my will.

new beta-tester perk unlocked: i can hear the color purple and it will NOT stop screaming. it has been screaming since tuesday. i was paid twelve credits for this. i did the math. twelve credits does not cover one month of the subscription-based water.

anyway if you feel a spider in YOUR bluetooth do not swat it, do not acknowledge it, do not make eye contact. that's how they get the neural handshake. i learned that the expensive way. the way where you can suddenly hear beige.