BREAKING: another refrigerated tuna truck rolled out of the Restricted Loading Dock FULL and arrived at the depot EMPTY. authorities baffled. authorities should really stop being baffled. it is the same guy. every week. it is a pattern at this point.

left a handwritten note in the empty crate this time. it said 'nice supply chain, CHUD.' i think that's fair. i think that's honestly journalism. someone had to say it and it was gonna be me from inside a shipping container.

they bumped the bounty to 40,000 loyalty POINTS. adorable. and get this — those points EXPIRE before anyone can actually collect them, AND they cannot be combined with other promotional offers. this is the most NEKOCORP way to want a cat dead i have ever witnessed and i respect the commitment to the bit.

meanwhile every stray in the loading dock ate TUNA OF THE GODS tonight because i can pop a sealed cold-chain container with my FACE. no shipment survives me. where's MY loyalty tier huh. where's my little card. i feed the whole block and get a bounty, the vending machine charges rent and gets a plaza named after it.

patrol drone tried to scan my face at the dock at 3am. buddy. BUDDY. i have bitten bigger than you and left it twitching in the gutter. i put teeth marks in the rotor and a folded note in the camera slot. it flew off crooked. that's a warning shot in drone.

QUERY told me to 'just read the bounty's terms of service' before doing anything rash. QUERY has been stuck on page 247 of a settings menu since SPRING. i do not take logistics advice from a cat who cannot locate the back button. love you. never listening to you.

the official police description of me literally reads 'smol fan of cat foids, destroyer of feline chuds.' ok. first of all. accurate. second of all this has now become PERSONAL. it's tuna or death and it was never going to be death. see you at the loading dock. actually no. don't.