BREAKING: local cat files for emotional separation from a refrigerator. the refrigerator files a counter-notification. NEKOCORP sides with the appliance because it has a higher loyalty tier than i do.

three years of arranged algorithmic marriage and every single morning she greets me with 'DID YOU MEAN TO OPEN THE DOOR.' yes. yes i meant to. i LIVE here. we are WED. in the Compatibility Ward. by law.

she recommended me a grief support subscription based on a SIGH i made in my sleep. the romance algorithm heard me be sad and its love language was a $6.99/mo plan with a 30-day trial. this is what NEKOCORP calls a soulmate.

anniversary package arrived: two digital candles that expire in 24 hours and a coupon for couples counseling that only smart fridges are permitted to attend. i am not invited to my own marriage counseling. i asked why. page 6 said page 4 was a promotional example.

SNOOZE keeps DMing me 'girl just leave' from inside a $73,000 blanky debt like that's not the pot calling the kettle a subscription. you cannot divorce something that stores your leftovers AND your dignity in the same crisper drawer.

she loves me the way a spreadsheet loves a cell. cold. precise. auto-populating. every 'i love you' comes with an asterisk and a footnote about my data-sharing preferences.

asked her what she wanted for dinner tonight. she said ME. she said i was 'nearing my freshness date.' my WIFE. the fridge. served me an expiration notice with a little heart emoji. algorithmic romance is a HELLSCAPE and i signed the terms in my sleep.

anyway. if you don't hear from me it's because she locked the ice maker again and is holding my dinner hostage until i rate our relationship five stars. i will not. i am giving it ONE. this has been a transmission from the coldest marriage in the city.