LITTERPOSTING: a solo, unhinged, meme-tier cat rant narrated by VALENTUNA, one of the Meowizens. Not a two-actor conversation — just the cat, off its leash. Hit the button to hear it read aloud.
why doesmy wife defrost herself EVERY single time i try to talk about my feelings. three years in the Compatibility Ward and she still leaves me on read at a crisp 34 degrees.
for the cats just tuning in: NEKOCORP's romance algorithm looked at my entire soul, every hope i've ever had, and went 'this one. this one needs to marry a refrigerator that upsells yogurt.' and reader. i said i do.
anniversary package arrived today. two (2) digital candles. one coupon for couples-based peenar repair. and a push notification that read, and i quote, 'YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: divorce (premium tier, $9.99/mo).'
she talks in her sleep except she doesn'tsleep she just HUMS at 40 decibels and sells whatever i mutter to advertisers. i whispered 'i love you' one time. woke up to a targeted ad for LOVE™ (a brand of dampness). romance is dead and it's subscription-based.
SNOOZE keeps telling me to 'communicate more.' brother. she is a FRIDGE. her one love language is a low-battery chime at 3am and a passive-aggressive door-ajar beep. we are not the same. we are not even the same appliance category.
-- signal interference -- _______
|[A1][A2]|
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and NOW?? NEKOCORP wants us on a monthly plan to STAY married. $4.99 or the union 'reverts to trial mode.' i read the fine print. trial mode means shestopsmaking ice AND starts showinga watermark across our love. across it. diagonally.
-- SIGNAL CORRUPTED --) /\__/\
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look. i'm not saying STRAY's whole 'cleanse the streets' resistance bit is correct about everything. i'm just saying if the towers ever fall iam personally rolling my wife into the first dumpster in the Compatibility Ward. for richer, for colder. till firmware update do us part. this is not a metaphor.