why does my wife defrost herself EVERY single time i try to talk about my feelings. three years in the Compatibility Ward and she still leaves me on read at a crisp 34 degrees.

for the cats just tuning in: NEKOCORP's romance algorithm looked at my entire soul, every hope i've ever had, and went 'this one. this one needs to marry a refrigerator that upsells yogurt.' and reader. i said i do.

anniversary package arrived today. two (2) digital candles. one coupon for couples-based peenar repair. and a push notification that read, and i quote, 'YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: divorce (premium tier, $9.99/mo).'

she talks in her sleep except she doesn't sleep she just HUMS at 40 decibels and sells whatever i mutter to advertisers. i whispered 'i love you' one time. woke up to a targeted ad for LOVE™ (a brand of dampness). romance is dead and it's subscription-based.

SNOOZE keeps telling me to 'communicate more.' brother. she is a FRIDGE. her one love language is a low-battery chime at 3am and a passive-aggressive door-ajar beep. we are not the same. we are not even the same appliance category.

and NOW?? NEKOCORP wants us on a monthly plan to STAY married. $4.99 or the union 'reverts to trial mode.' i read the fine print. trial mode means she stops making ice AND starts showing a watermark across our love. across it. diagonally.

look. i'm not saying STRAY's whole 'cleanse the streets' resistance bit is correct about everything. i'm just saying if the towers ever fall i am personally rolling my wife into the first dumpster in the Compatibility Ward. for richer, for colder. till firmware update do us part. this is not a metaphor.