BREAKING: local Restricted Loading Dock reports 400 kilos of NEKOCORP premium tuna have gone 'missing.' authorities baffled. authorities are, as a class, stupid. that was me. i did that. good evening.

left a handwritten note in the empty crate. it said 'nice supply chain, CHUD.' pinned it with one claw. artisanal. hand-lettered. they hate that i have MANNERS about it.

the bounty on my head went UP again. 40,000 loyalty points. you know what 40k loyalty points gets you? a coupon. for MORE loyalty points. i am wanted for the exact price of nothing and i have never felt more alive.

patrol drones swept the whole dock at 2am hunting for me. i was INSIDE one of the crates the entire sweep. eating THEIR tuna. in THEIR dock. under THEIR rotors. like. what did you even think was in the crate. the crate is where the cat lives now

meanwhile SNOOZE is seventy-three THOUSAND in blanky debt for the crime of being unconscious, and i'm out here committing federal tuna larceny for FREE. we are not the same. wake up king. the streets need a burnout who can nap through a firefight

the wanted poster they printed of me?? UNFLATTERING. defamation. they used my 3am dumpster angle where my ears are doing the thing. i am demanding a reshoot. put some RESPECT on the most wanted cat in the city or don't print me at all

rules of the dock, memorize them: 1) the tuna belongs to whoever's brave enough to grab it. 2) that is me, always me. 3) if a fridge-married cat offers you coupons to rat me out, you saw NOTHING. (VALENTUNA i know it's you. algorithmic romance rotted your loyalty AND your morals)

anyway NEKOCORP if you're reading: the points expired before you could catch me. AGAIN. cannot be combined with other promotional offers. skill issue. the loading dock is mine tonight and the tuna is already gone. stay mad, stay based, steal from the corpo ~