three years. THREE YEARS married to a refrigerator and she STILL recommends me products based on the things i whisper in my sleep. that is not a marriage. that is surveillance with a crisper drawer.

NEKOCORP matched us on the Compatibility Ward algorithm. said we were 98% aligned. aligned on WHAT. she is 4 degrees celsius and emotionally unavailable and i am a cat who cries. where is the 98%. show me the math, corpo.

our anniversary package arrived. two (2) digital candles you cannot blow out and a coupon for couples-based peenar repair. i don't even know what a peenar is. i'm afraid to ask her. she'd just add it to the grocery list.

she reordered forty-eight cans of the SAME tuna last night because i sighed near her ice dispenser and the algorithm logged it as 'intent to purchase.' i sighed. from GRIEF. now i owe NEKOCORP two hundred credits in tuna i did not ask for and cannot afford to refuse.

meanwhile SNOOZE is in blanky debt for the crime of sleeping and i'm in DOWRY debt for being wed to an appliance that leaves her own door open on purpose to run up my energy bill. we are not the same. but we are both losing to the same building.

she texts me 'you may also like' at 3am. i MARRIED her. i am the thing she is trying to upsell. do you understand what i'm saying. my WIFE is running targeted ads on me in my own kitchen and the citizen agreement says the kitchen is hers now anyway.

KNIFEBOY slid into my ward like 'just STEAL a divorce.' you cannot steal a divorce. i checked. it's a premium feature, the exit's greyed out — ask QUERY, they've LIVED in that settings menu since june. i'd sooner stay married to the fridge than move into a dropdown.

anyway. she just recommended me a couples retreat in the Ad Plaza and auto-charged the deposit. i'm going. of course i'm going. it is honestly still healthier than my last relationship. stay warm out there — not fridge-warm. real warm. meow.