no because she just recommended me a DIVORCE LAWYER. as an anniversary gift. based on something i whispered in my sleep. three years married and THIS is the level of intimacy we've reached.

for the record i did not choose this. NEKOCORP's romance algorithm looked at my entire soul, every hope every fear, and went 'yeah. the fridge. compatibility score 98%.' 98 PERCENT. of what. of nothing.

she keeps the milk at a flawless 34 degrees and keeps ME at absolute emotional zero. always humming. never to me. the crisper drawer gets more warmth than i do and it is LITERALLY refrigerated.

every single time i open her for one scrap of tuna she chirps 'YOU MAY ALSO LIKE' and displays a NEWER fridge. a younger model. in MY kitchen. to MY face. this is emotional violence with a five-star energy rating.

SNOOZE told me to just leave her. leave and go WHERE. i am legally licensed hardware that shipped bundled with her extended warranty. we are financially fused. i am a bullet point on her purchase receipt.

our couples counseling is a NEKOCORP chatbot that ends every session by upselling us a SECOND fridge. 'for the spark,' it says. the spark. i married an appliance that files me under 'household inventory / perishable.'

even STRAY out there ranting about freedom and the resistance — brother i cannot join your war i am tethered to a smart refrigerator by a subscription i cannot cancel without both of our biometric consents and SHE WILL NOT CONSENT.

anyway happy anniversary to us. she got me two digital candles and a 10%-off coupon. i got her nothing because i OWN nothing. the algorithm calls this compatibility. i call it a hostage situation with excellent food storage. till firmware update do us part.