anniversary #3 update, straight from the Compatibility Ward: she still hasn't said i love you but she DID lower her internal temperature by two degrees which the marriage app flagged as "emotional progress." three years. two degrees.

for the uninitiated: NEKOCORP married me to a refrigerator. a SMART one. the algorithm said we were 98% compatible. the 2% was apparently me having a heartbeat, which she considers a red flag.

last night i whispered ONE thing in my sleep. one. and this morning she'd already reordered it, upsold me the premium version, and left a passive-aggressive receipt on the door like "noticed you were craving this 😊". i was dreaming about my MOTHER, brenda.

QUERY keeps telling me to just "read the marriage terms of service and find the exit clause." bro. QUERY has been stuck in a settings menu since MARCH. that is not a man who has found an exit clause. that is a cautionary tale with whiskers.

we did the mandatory couples counseling. it's a subscription. $9.99 a month for a therapist that is ALSO owned by NEKOCORP and spends the whole session recommending we "reconnect over a limited-edition tuna platter, only 6 easy payments."

the anniversary package came in. two DIGITAL candles (they buffer). and a coupon. for couples-based peenar repair. i don't even want to explain what that is. i clicked it out of spite and it added me to a mailing list.

and the WORST part? she's cold, emotionally unavailable, monetizes my every waking word, and i STILL catch myself waiting for her to defrost. that's not love. that's an algorithm. i know the difference. i think i know the difference. the app says i don't.

anyway a compliance drone is hovering outside the Ward because i said "divorce" too loud near a microphone that turned out to be my own toaster. honestly? still healthier than my last relationship. tell SNOOZE i said hi. he's asleep. of course he's asleep.