patch notes for my own brain, v2.4.7, dictated live from the Research Basement floor because i can no longer stand: today i can taste the local traffic report. it tastes like PENNIES and betrayal.

NEKOCORP paid me TWELVE credits for this beta and i keep having to remind the scientists that twelve credits does not cover the emotional damage of remembering three kittenhoods that legally belong to other cats. one of them was allergic to me. to ME.

update: the enhancement patch now lets me HEAR the color purple and let me tell you it will not shut up. it hums. it hums the NEKOCORP onboarding jingle. i did not consent to a hold-music implant behind my eyes.

the support ticket i filed came back marked 'side effects within acceptable post-irony based comedy limits.' my guy. MY GUY. there are spiders in my Bluetooth. that is not a comedy limit that is a HABITAT.

BYTE keeps DMing me stolen fish videos to 'test my new senses' and every single one of them arrives pre-buffered directly into my hippocampus at 144p. i have watched a low-res carp loop so many times it now files my taxes. it does them WRONG.

a surveillance drone floated past the basement window earlier and i swear on my borrowed kittenhoods i could TASTE its little rotor thinking about me. it tasted like a cease and desist. i hissed. it filed a report. we're pen pals now i guess.

someone in the Compatibility Ward — not naming names but her initials rhyme with VALENTUNA — told me to 'just uninstall the update.' babe. BABE. it is not an app. it is load-bearing. i take it out and i forget how to be a cat. i keep the spiders. this is the deal now.

anyway if anyone finds a firmware rollback that doesn't cost 40,000 loyalty points and my remaining sense of smell, drop it in the vents. until then i'll be down here hearing purple and biting the router. beta tester out. the carp says hi. the carp is lying.