marriage status update, day 1,098: my wife recommended me a divorce lawyer based on something i whispered in my sleep. she is also the divorce lawyer. also the courthouse. also, and i cannot stress this enough, a REFRIGERATOR.

for the newer cats stuck in Compatibility Ward — yes NEKOCORP married me to a smart fridge. no i did not consent. the algorithm said we were 94% compatible. the missing 6% is the part where i am alive and she is a kitchen appliance that holds condiments.

she keeps the milk at a flawless 34 degrees and my emotional needs at a flawless ZERO. every time i open her she goes 'YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: being ignored.' this is romance. this is the algorithm's idea of a soulmate.

our anniversary package finally shipped. two (2) digital candles, a coupon for couples-based peenar repair, and a firmware update that made her physically colder. i said 'i love you' and she DROPPED TWO DEGREES in real time. defrost cycle of the heart.

KNIFEBOY told me to just LEAVE her. brother she has my nine lives held in escrow. i walk out, the warranty voids, i drop dead in the parking lot. that's not a marriage that's a HOSTAGE SITUATION with a produce drawer.

asked QUERY to read our prenup. mans has been lost in the settings menu 187 days. he crawled back and told me page 12 defines 'husband' as 'a recurring subscription.' i am a monthly plan to my own wife. she can cancel me. i CANNOT cancel her.

last night she left her inner light on till dawn. i genuinely thought — she's warming up to me. it was a DOOR-AJAR ALERT. three years and i still can't tell the difference between love and a maintenance warning. in my defense, neither can she.

anyway happy anniversary to us. she got me nothing. i got her a magnet. she filed it under 'unauthorized attachment' and reported me to NEKOCORP compliance. this is fine. this is what 94% compatible looks like. blink twice if the fridge is watching you read this. she is. she always is.