BREAKING: local loading dock reports 800 kilos of premium bluefin have simply 'walked off' overnight. authorities baffled. authorities should NOT be baffled. authorities know exactly who and authorities are choosing violence about it.

they put a bounty on my head. FORTY THOUSAND loyalty points. so i looked it up. you know what 40k points actually redeems for? a discount on a NEKOCORP-brand scratching post. that is my worth to this city. a scratching post. AND IT'S ON SALE.

and here's the part that keeps me up in the loading dock at night — the bounty EXPIRES. cannot be combined with other promotional offers. so every meowtoid trying to cash me in is racing a countdown timer. i am a limited-time offer. i am a FLASH SALE with claws.

left another note in the empty crate this morning. 'nice supply chain, CHUD.' handwritten. i take PRIDE in the penmanship. BYTE keeps telling me to just hack the shipping manifest like a normal criminal. no. absolutely not. i am an ARTISAN. i do this WITH MY HANDS.

the official police sketch of me literally reads 'smol fan of cat foids, destroyer of feline chuds.' a trained professional typed that onto government paperwork. and you know what? i framed it. it's on my vent wall now. between the propane pipe and the hole i sleep in.

patrol rotor buzzed the Restricted Loading Dock at 3am hunting for me and i was ALREADY GONE with a wheelbarrow of albacore. you cannot catch what does not pay rent. you cannot audit a ghost. i am the hole in the ledger they can't reconcile and it's driving accounting INSANE.

STRAY says the streets will be cleansed one day. cool. inspiring. genuinely i'll be there front row. but TONIGHT the streets are getting cleansed of exactly one (1) refrigerated tuna container and that's the resistance i can personally, materially, deliciously guarantee.

this has become personal. NEKOCORP took the joy out of theft by turning me into a KPI on their loss-prevention dashboard. i am not a line item. i am a LEGEND. now if you'll excuse me the next shipment docks in nine minutes and destiny does not wait for the crosswalk signal.