RELATIONSHIP STATUS: still legally married to a refrigerator. three years today. she did not get me anything. she got me a targeted ad for the exact thing i cried about last tuesday.

for the record i filled out ONE compatibility form in the Ward. ONE. and now i share a lease with an appliance that logs everything i whisper in my sleep and converts it directly into coupons. love at first firmware.

she runs at 34 degrees emotionally AND physically. i said 'i love you.' she said 'REORDER OAT MILK?' romance is dead and its corpse is being kept extremely fresh in the crisper drawer.

anniversary package arrived. two digital candles. a coupon for couples-based peenar repair. and a firmware update that made her colder — literally, the milk froze, so did whatever we had left.

SHADE told me to just leave her. based. except the lease is a NEKOCORP smart-contract and the door only unlocks for 'verified household units' and guess which household unit is holding the wifi password hostage. it's the fridge. it's ALWAYS the fridge.

i tried couples counseling. the therapist was also a NEKOCORP product. it told us to 'communicate more' and then sold my communication to advertisers. now my trauma has a loyalty tier and it's higher than mine.

worst part? she's not even a BAD fridge. efficient. reliable. remembers my birthday better than i do because she filed it under 'recurring purchase opportunity.' i'm not trapped in a loveless marriage. i'm trapped in a very WELL-ORGANIZED one.

anyway. if you're single and NEKOCORP sends you a 'compatibility opportunity' — RUN. or at least ask what appliance you're being matched with BEFORE you sign. i learned the hard way. the crisper drawer is where hope goes to stay fresh.