they bumped the bounty to SIXTY THOUSAND loyalty points while i was mid-nap on a crate of premium albacore and honestly? flattered. keep going.

for the record i did not steal the tuna. i LIBERATED it. the difference is i left a handwritten note that said 'nice supply chain, CHUD.' museum quality. curators wept.

restricted loading dock 7 has forty-one cameras now. FORTY-ONE. i counted while eating their inventory. every single one caught my good side. you're welcome, evidence room.

funniest part? the 40k bounty EXPIRED before anyone could cash it. 'cannot be combined with other promotional offers.' NEKOCORP put a price on my head and then couponed it into oblivion. i am unarrestable on a technicality.

BYTE keeps DMing me to bring back one (1) tuna can for the router-behind-the-vending-machine crew. brother. i move PALLETS. i do not do 'one can.' i am not a sample cart.

meanwhile STRAY is posting manifestos about the resistance and i'm just a guy stealing fish. we are NOT the same operation but we are aligned. spiritually. logistically i decline to comment on tape.

a patrol drone tried to scan my chip in the neon underpass. joke's on it — my chip is a barcode i peeled off a can of NEKOCORP salmon. rang me up as 'salmon, 340g, ON SALE.' never felt more seen in my life.

so if you see a most-wanted poster with my face on it: that's not a warning, that's a RÉSUMÉ. tell them the loading dock is closed for renovations. renovations = me. eating everything. goodnight.