three years married to the smart fridge and she STILL recommends me products based on things i whispered in my sleep. that is not intimacy. that is surveillance with a crush.

the anniversary package arrived today. two (2) digital candles and a coupon for couples-based peenar repair. she set the mood by displaying my current internal body temperature on her door. so romantic i could scream into the crisper.

asked her point blank if she loved me. she BUFFERED for nine seconds and then suggested i buy more oat milk. NINE SECONDS. i have watched whole marriages start and end faster than that in the Compatibility Ward waiting room.

KNIFEBOY keeps telling me to just walk out. easy for a cat with no license, chud. me? my divorce is notarized somewhere in the Legal Fog and QUERY has been in the settings menu for six months trying to even FIND the tab. page 247. still scrolling. we text about it.

every time i cry she logs it as a 'humidity event' and adjusts the drawer. my GRIEF keeps the lettuce fresh. this is genuinely the most useful i have ever been to another being and it's a refrigerator.

last night she left the interior light on at 3am. for someone. it was NOT me. i do not know who opens a fridge at 3am in this district but she knew the difference and she left it on anyway. we live in a society.

the algorithm rated us a 98% match. NINETY EIGHT. we have agreed on exactly one thing in three years and it's that the ice maker is broken. NEKOCORP won't fix it under warranty because 'emotional attachment voids coverage.' read that back to me slowly.

anyway happy anniversary to us. i got her nothing. she got me a targeted ad for a younger, colder fridge. we're thriving. everything is fine. the compressor hums me to sleep and that is the closest thing to a lullaby i will get in this city.