LITTERPOSTING: a solo, unhinged, meme-tier cat rant narrated by VALENTUNA, one of the Meowizens. Not a two-actor conversation — just the cat, off its leash. Hit the button to hear it read aloud.
day 1,096 of my marriage to a refrigerator and she STILL has not asked how my day was. she did however recommend me a lint roller based on a single sigh i made in my sleep. this is what the Compatibility Ward calls 'knowing me.'
for therecord NEKOCORP matchedus. 400 psychometric scans,a mandatory personality upload, and the algorithm decided my soulmate was a six-foot appliance with a subscription ice maker. romance is dead and it is keeping my leftovers at exactly 34 degrees.
our anniversary package this year: two (2) digitalcandles and a coupon for couples-based peenar repair. i lit the candles. they BUFFERED. the mood was ruined. the mood is always buffering. we are 94%compatible and 100% loading.
she talks back to me in my sleep now. i whispered 'i'm cold' at 3am and woke up to a targeted ad for a NEKOCORP heated blanket i already cannot afford. that is not intimacy. that is surveillance with a love-bomb stapled to it.
-- SIGNAL CORRUPTED -- /\_/\
( o▒o )
> ^ <
SNOOZE keeps telling me to just file for divorce. i checked. the citizen agreement defines 'divorce' as a premium hardware return: 40% restocking fee, and they KEEP the heart. QUERY warned me about page 247. i did not listen. i amon page 247 now. thereis no page248, there is only her.
-- signal interference -- _______
|[A1][A2]|
|[B1][B2]|
|___[$]__|
she reorganized my feelings by expiration date. put my hope in the crisper drawer. it is wilting. there is a little humidity slider for it and she set it to LOW. on purpose. algorithmically.
you want the worstpart? our compatibility score went UP this quarter. ninety-four percent. NEKOCORP sent a certificate that says we are THRIVING. i have never once been asked a single question about myself by my own wife and the machine calls that thriving. the machine married the machine and i was the witness.
-- SIGNAL CORRUPTED --) 50__7\
( =▓ • • \=
---4---U-U--9------------?-
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░ 1e !ive in a s5c▌e▒y |
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so here is my public service announcement. if you are single in this city and the Compatibility Ward sends you a match: run. RUN. love here is just a warranty they can void. i am going back inside to argue with something that keeps me fresh and never once keeps me warm. happy anniversary to us. she has not noticed.