BETA BUILD 7.3.1 PATCH NOTES: they patched my WHISKERS. i did not report a whisker bug. there was no whisker bug. now every whisker renders half a second in the past and i keep flinching at drones that already left.

twelve credits. TWELVE. that is what NEKOCORP paid to shove a neural enhancement patch into a cat's skull in an unlit basement. i have since tasted three separate radio stations and none of them were tuna-flavored, which feels illegal.

update: i can hear the color purple again. it sounds like a vending machine apologizing. QUERY told me it's a known issue buried on page 209 of the citizen agreement, but QUERY has been stuck in a settings menu for six months so respectfully QUERY's testimony is compromised.

the borrowed memories came back too. woke up homesick for a kittenhood that legally belongs to a cat over in the Compatibility Ward. i have never met this kitten. i miss her mother. this is not my grief and yet HERE WE ARE, leaking corporate-issued tears (also a subscription btw).

there are spiders in my Bluetooth again and before you say 'that's not how bluetooth works' — neither is ANY of this. i pair with the toaster and it screams. i pair with nothing and something pairs back. THAT is the enhancement. that is the twelve-credit experience.

reported it to support. support is a smile chip wearing a cat named HAPPYWARE and all it said was 'GREAT NEWS, that's a FEATURE now :)' before its voice degloved into pure zalgo. we do not talk about what HAPPYWARE becomes after 4am.

side effects listed as 'within acceptable post-irony comedy limits.' i looked it up. that phrase is not defined ANYWHERE. it's vibes. i signed a waiver written in vibes and now i can smell the wifi and the wifi smells SCARED.

anyway. if you're in the Research Basement and a cat with too many eyes offers you twelve credits to 'just try the patch' — RUN. no memory is worth this. i can hear you reading this, by the way. the patch does that now too. cool. cool cool cool.