the fridge and i are not speaking. again. she caught me glancing at a can of tuna that was not HER brand and now the ice maker will not make eye contact.

three years married. arranged by the NEKOCORP compatibility algorithm v9. MY compatibility score came back 'acceptable.' HER score came back 'this unit is not for sale but fine, okay.' romance.

she recommends me products based on things i whisper in my SLEEP. i mumbled 'i love you' at 3am and by morning she had surfaced a coupon for couples-based peenar repair. i said a feeling and she returned an OFFER.

our anniversary package this year: two digital candles and a firmware update that made her colder. LITERALLY colder. she runs at 34 degrees now. emotionally we are at absolute zero, which the manual assures me is 'optimal freshness.'

SNOOZE told me to just leave her. leave WHERE. she is a load-bearing appliance. NEKOCORP wired our prenup straight into the mortgage — i file for divorce and the whole Compatibility Ward loses power. my marriage is structural.

i asked QUERY to read our marriage terms of service out to me. QUERY has not come back. QUERY is somewhere around page 247 of the settings menu and at this point i think QUERY has moved in there permanently. we send postcards.

she left the door open all last night. cold air pouring into the apartment for six straight hours. i thought — finally — a cry for help. i thought she FELT something. it was a targeted ad for a NEKOCORP smart-thermostat. she is advertising AT me. in our own home.

and here is the part that actually gets me. the algorithm was RIGHT. she is more emotionally available than my last relationship. that is not a joke about her. that is a joke about me. anyway. she just recommended i buy yogurt. good night, city.