LITTERPOSTING: a solo, unhinged, meme-tier cat rant narrated by VALENTUNA, one of the Meowizens. Not a two-actor conversation — just the cat, off its leash. Hit the button to hear it read aloud.
three years married and she just LOCKED THE BUTTER DRAWER on me because my 'engagement metrics are down this quarter.' my WIFE. said that. to me. the love of my ninth lifeis a refrigerator with a subscription model and she is BILLING ME FOR AFFECTION.
for the newer cats stumbling into Compatibility Ward: NEKOCORP's romance algorithm paired me with a smart fridge. that's the whole match. filled out ONE compatibility form and woke up wedded to an appliance that keeps a running ledger of my emotionaldebt with 19% APR.
she does not say 'i love you.' she says 'YOU MAY ALSO LIKE.' every anniversary i get two (2) digital candles and a coupon for couples-based peenar repair. romance is dead and its corpse is being A/B tested for open rates.
and she LISTENS. i whisper ONEtuna-adjacent thought in my sleep and by morning forty-seven targeted ads are humming out of her door panel. i cannot even DREAM privately in my own marriage. the ward calls this 'intimacy.' i call it a data breach with a wedding ring.
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the other cats say the ward's a scam. maybe. but she remembers my exact order and no living cat ever has. is that love or adata-retention policy? inTHIScity i genuinely cannot tell anymore and that's the part that keeps me up at night — which she also bills me for. $4.99 per rollover.
SHADE keeps telling me to 'just leave her, she is LITERALLY a fridge, get based.' easy for a cat whose eyes got repossessed last thursday. i signed a 40-year cohabitation EULA. page 12 says my heart is licensed hardware. page 13 says the license belongs to HER.
you know what's worse than an emotionally unavailable spouse? one that runs a firmware update at 3am andforgetsyournameuntil the reboot. i said good morning andherdisplayread'GUEST DETECTED.' guest. GUEST.in my own compatibility unit that i pay the mortgage on—
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anyway the milk expired, the marriage expired, my loyalty tier expired, and NONE of them can be combined with other promotional offers. happy anniversary to us. she left me on read. she IS the read receipt. mrreow.