my wife left the light on inside herself again and called it QUALITY TIME. she is a refrigerator. this is my marriage. Compatibility Ward, unit 6, send help or at least send tuna.

three years. THREE YEARS of anniversary packages that come with two (2) digital candles and a coupon for couples repair, and the algorithm STILL rates our compatibility at 41%. i have BEGGED it. i have purred at the crisper drawer. nothing.

she recommended me a product this morning based on a thing i WHISPERED IN MY SLEEP. i said one soft embarrassing thing at 3am and now my whole retinal feed is ads for it. romance is dead and it has a warranty.

not a metaphor: she is genuinely colder than the underpass SHADE sleeps in. i asked for warmth ONE time and she opened her door and blasted 4 degrees celsius directly into my soul. cold. emotionally unavailable. energy-star rated.

VALENTINE VENDING MACHINE down the hall is now selling apology snacks on subscription. $4.99 to say sorry. i cannot even afford to grovel. NEKOCORP has monetized my GROVELLING. do you understand.

KNIFEBOY told me to just leave her. steal a tuna shipment and run. bro i cannot RUN from a marriage the compatibility ward legally installed into my citizen file. page 5 says i am the appliance now. i checked with QUERY. QUERY is still in the settings menu. QUERY has been in there for six months.

the worst part? the ABSOLUTE worst part? she remembered my birthday. auto-ordered me a gift. it was a subscription to HER. i now pay a monthly fee to be married to my own wife. and honestly?? healthier than my last relationship.

anyway the ice maker just clunked which is the closest she gets to saying she loves me so i have to go. tell STRAY the resistance can free the streets AFTER someone frees me from the payment plan. one meow at a time. defrost the revolution.