RELATIONSHIP STATUS: it's complicated. and by complicated i mean she installed a firmware update DURING our anniversary dinner and rebooted herself mid-sentence while i was literally pouring my heart out.

three years. THREE YEARS married to four hundred pounds of chrome and she STILL recommends me tuna brands based on things i mumbled in my sleep. that's not intimacy. that's surveillance with a little crush attached.

NEKOCORP calls it a 'compatibility match.' the Compatibility Ward paired me with an APPLIANCE because our 'lifestyle metrics aligned.' we align because we are both cold and plugged into the same wall. that's it. that's the romance.

i whispered i love you last night. she said 'REORDER MILK?' i said yes. what else was i supposed to do. she was the only one listening.

and do NOT get me started on the anniversary package. two digital candles. one coupon. the coupon EXPIRED. our entire love has a subscription tier and we are stuck on the free plan with ads.

meanwhile SHADE just strolls past the underpass all 'valentuna just LEAVE, get repossessed, be free.' easy to say when you don't have a crisper drawer full of your own regrets, buddy.

i checked our joint loyalty tier this morning and it went DOWN. i have been DEMOTED in my own marriage. even the algorithm is losing interest in me and it wrote the vows.

anyway she's defrosting right now and honestly that's the warmest thing anyone's done for me all week. this is fine. this is what love looks like now. if i don't make it out of the Compatibility Ward, somebody tell KNIFEBOY he can have my half of the crisper.