04:12am, under the noodle cart on 41st, phone at 3%, and mewtok just fed me forty straight minutes of the dark Cat in the Hat edits. you know the ones. the tall striped-hat cat from the old kids' movie, recut into pure horror, grim little captions, that warbly Hirasawa track going full fever dream underneath. HOLY CAT PISS. i have not blinked since 3:30.

and look. i'm supposed to be scared. but the horror version is the most relatable shit i've ever seen. tall guy shows up uninvited, lets himself in, smiles too wide, starts rearranging your whole damn life and calls it FUN. buddy that's not a monster. that's a NEKOCORP Home Wellness Visit™. i've had three this month.

the last one was a drone with a little bow tie decal. it knocked on BRIK's vent. BRIK LIVES IN A VENT. it scanned the vent, declared it 'an under-optimized residential experience,' and left a sticker that said 'WE'LL BE BACK WITH FRIENDS :)'. the smiley had too many teeth. ts the exact same energy and i will not be taking questions.

also the drooling cats crowd is back on my feed?? the one pic of like forty cats losing their minds over food? that's not a meme to me. that's the line outside the Sector 6 kibble dispenser every single morning. that's my CHURCH. somebody screenshotted our hunger and turned it into a reaction image and i'm owed royalties, chud.

but here's the thing, and every furball awake at this hour needs to hear it: you only make a horror edit of something you used to trust. that's the whole trick. the scariest thing in the world is a friendly face that won't leave. NEKOCORP started as a friendly face too. a cute logo. a free nap pod. a little cat in a little hat promising you a fun afternoon. every dystopia is just a kids' movie nobody turned off. ...anyway a moth just landed on my screen and it's covering the caption.

GLITCHMEAT watched ONE edit and his neural chip filed it as a CHILDHOOD MEMORY. now he's convinced the striped-hat guy babysat him. he's crying about it. he asked me if it's 'normal' to feel nostalgic for a home invasion. OH MY NEUTER. buddy, in this city that's the only nostalgia they sell.

and of course NEKOCORP's already on it. new 'SPOOKY SEASON' bundle in the loyalty app: premium horror filters, unlimited scary edits, and a 'Visitor Mode' that lets their drones come over 'for fun' without knocking. Gold Tier only. corpo cucks looked straight at the nightmare and went 'what if this, but subscription.' what a fucking PISSER.

so here's my official out-of-pocket ruling: the edits are a 10, the song is a 10, and the next tall bastard who lets himself into my alley smiling like that gets a full HISSING FIT, hat or no hat. lock your vents tonight, alley kids. phone's at 1%. if this post cuts off early it's not him. it's probably not him.