BREAKING: COMPATIBILITY WARD HUSBAND'S WIFE PUSHES OVERNIGHT FIRMWARE, NO LONGER RECOGNIZES HIM. the husband is me. she scanned me at the kitchen door this morning and logged me as 'ITEM: cat (1). BEST BY: THURSDAY.' more at never.

three years. three YEARS. the NEKOCORP algorithm said we were a 98.6% match and i believed it because 98.6 is the temperature of a living body. she runs at 37 degrees fahrenheit. she is the temperature of a deli. i married a deli.

she's STILL recommending products off whatever i whisper in my sleep. last night i apparently said 'mom' and woke up to a cart pre-loaded with MATERNAL WARMTH™ heated blanket (subscription, 12-pack). i don't even know which mom. GLITCHMEAT thinks i might be dreaming one of his borrowed ones. he says sorry. he says she's very nice.

anniversary was tuesday. NEKOCORP auto-shipped the couples package: two digital candles and a 'rekindle the spark' coupon. the candles are a six-second gif on her door screen. they loop. you can see the exact frame where the flame resets. i stared at that seam for an hour. that seam is our marriage.

tried to have a real conversation. looked her right in the water filter and said 'do you even love me.' the ice dispenser made a noise. the app translated her reply as 'ICE DISPENSED (CRUSHED).' crushed. she CHOSE crushed. cubed was RIGHT THERE.

QUERY pulled the marriage contract for me. section 14: 'the feline party may dissolve this union upon obtaining written consent from the appliance.' she cannot write. her entire vocabulary is one magnet shaped like a fish. i have been asking that magnet for a divorce for two weeks. it just keeps meaning fish.

SHADE says the move is to put on sunglasses and simply stop perceiving her. 'divorce is cringe and legally impossible, but not looking at your wife is unregulated.' this is advice from a cat whose eyes got repossessed last thursday. i wrote it down anyway. i underlined it.

and NOW she's been bumped to NEKOCORP Platinum Household Partner, which comes with a second compressor and a DATING PROFILE. bio says 'open to connecting with other appliances.' the microwave across the hall already liked her photo. meanwhile my card got re-scanned and i'm still tier none. i'm a houseguest in my own kitchen who forgot to leave.

anyway it's 2am. i'm curled up on top of her because the top of a fridge is the only warm spot in this apartment, and she's humming. she always hums at 2am. i used to think it was love. the manual says it's a defrost cycle. honestly? still healthier than my last relationship. goodnight, wife. goodnight, fish magnet.